I have been contemplating on the polarity of life, how duality is what rules our lives in the physical plane... Why is it we are so drawn to the ups and downs? The joys and the pain? The successes and the suffering?
Even throughout my spiritual growth, I notice the subtle draw to experience the highs and lows. Whether it’s a conscious or subconscious choice is different. But nonetheless I notice the ways I secretly “enjoy” pain 😂. Have you brought awareness to this in yourself? It may sound bizarre at first, but I find if we are truly honest with ourselves, we all enjoy pain at some level. I notice how I play out some drama in my head, go through all the emotions, and then start to giggle because I’m seriously thinking to myself, “what are you enjoying here? Did you have fun suffering just now?” And the answer is no AND yes. The “higher” more conscious part of me realizes I do not need or long to suffer any more. Pain has already taught me its lessons. But the ego in me that still remains feels, “NO! This is ME. This is MY human experience. How fun it is to play this game! Don’t you love feeling pain so that you don’t take joy for granted? Don’t you love feeling low so that the high can feel higher?”
“I” have always understood myself as a highly sensitive, emotional, deeply empathetic being since birth. For example, one time I walked by a complete stranger crying in the airport and I started to cry. I was the one who stood up to the bullies when I saw kids being picked on. Most days of my life I cried, whether from joy or pain, my own or others. This was my daily experience for most of my life. I LOVED THE INTENSITY. So now, I am deeply aware this is the part of me, the part of my ego that is the hardest bit for me to let go of. There are many things I have shed the past 5 years but the longest standing challenge has been this: MY EMOTION.
My ego sometimes convinced me it was “required” for my survival. That my emotions are what allowed me to connect so deeply to life. And so my subconscious mind defended my emotional experience, over and over and over again. I had (and still sometimes have) a very difficult time not justifying my emotion. There is a huge fear that has always been inside me that once I let my emotional experiences go fully, “I” will no longer exist. And really, that is the truth. I WILL NO LONGER EXIST. But the real “I” will remain.
The truth is, we can NEVER lose something which was truly ours to begin with. We are so much GRANDER LARGER DEEPER than this ego, this personality we have constructed. There is absolutely nothing wrong with our human experience, but it is important to remind ourselves...it is exactly that, AN EXPERIENCE. And so, I will continue to laugh and entertain myself with the emotional plays I put on. I will take lessons from them each time. But with each experience, I cognize more and more: this is not me. I AM THE OBSERVER. The experiences start to appear less frequently and I become more stable with each passing day, month, year. What a fascinating Avatar I have chosen to play.
❤️, my inner space